how to deal

when life gets tough
and when all those problems you swore to have resolved by now persist
when that fly persists in landing on you
and you discover its a mosquito
and you discover 3 more mosquitos
your headache returns and your anxiety increases

at some point it was your fault
regardless of how willing you are to discuss this with yourself
and beneath the thin superficial conscious clothe
you hate yourself for it

you repeat the mistakes, blame yourself, and continue repeating
redundantly redoing
deepening holes that are plenty deep

all you need is a coffin

Maybe

Maybe in another life I would do things differently
Live the way I wanted to instead of obeying the creed of others
All it would take is a word
A touch, a smile
Even a look, one moment shared
One moment between you and I
And together we could cast off the shackles that bind our hearts
Step beyond reason, into the bliss of abandon
But even I am fearful
Fearful to speak that word
Fearful to reach out and touch
Fearful to embrace that moment
Why?

so what what you think

So you think that way...you judge me here
You express it or convey it with subtleties or remarks
You can affect me, of course your noisemaking makes me jump
But my frame is strong, damage has been sustained, scars

But fuck you

So now you are humble and supportive, now you are in the right, respectable, successful
Now we are friends as though we always were and the only reason you changed is because you became less resentful of your own situation.

I will never forgive you, I will never forget who you are when the whatever doesnt go your way, when the dice whatever and the cards whatever. Like i said, fuck you.

But I am not jealous, and I am not subordinate either. I am never the same, but not quite so different. My opinion of you matters only to me, and that is all that matters.

I will be strong and remain strong. Scars. Strong and forever strong in this epic drama.

And foe or friend, the past happend. But I will look forward with you brother.

grow up

I cant grow up until i emotionally mature past high school with girls
And I havent done that, and it´s taking a fucking long time

So i am an adolescent running around living the life of an adult

But then i meet these so-called MEN...and they are worse than me

Maybe they know how to attract girls
Because maybe girls arent that difficult after all (especially the ugly ones)

But they are more jealous than i am
More jealous
more jealous
jealousy exists like a fucking menace in this world

And jealousy is running through your brain like a freight train
And every day you are forced to supress a jealousy that is ripe for the eploitation

And you see these greedy fucks on wallstreet and you pretend like they are selfish,
But you understand as well as anyone

You understand that as much as people want to help you
As much as our laws and policemen create civility
And as much as our religious institutions preach compassion

The law of the land is SELF-INTEREST
self interest to the end, to the grave, to the last breathe
Until the family name is atop the family castle in the family theme park in New York City, New York, United States of AMERICA

personal helicoptor, lunch with the president, business, sex, sex, business, alcohol, sex, power

Making Sense of It

Morning light has a way of waking
Abruptly reminding of times mistaken
Chiseling at the fetal form
To turn an honest man forlorn

Somewhere beyond the dreamy night
A familiar foe is just in sight
You’ve custom-built and set a place
For this you least appreciate

And at the hour which you chose
Your slumber stirred and mind confused
The daylight clears the fuzziness
To assure you your concerns persist

Doubts may smell of dampened air
And old ambition disappear
But these thoughts are painful as an ache
Which never healed by your mistake

On towards the day, we move quite fast
As if to disregard the past
Our trajectory is bad at best
Having failed again the morning’s test

THIS is good poetry

my roommate wrote this and I think it is incredible

The night is upon the oceans shore

It’s just the dark our hearts adore

The pain from past, is like a rush so swift

It’s just the present our souls do miss

The thoughtless motion of the tides slow turns

Yearns for what our heart adorns

All sound is but a coffins silence

To drench the sky in moonlight distance

Its but the path of least resistance

To promise pain to mans existence.

Waiting

There is a man in here
And he means well.
A normal, average, sturdy man
A good father, a reliable friend, a warm smile, a piercing stare

But at the odd age of 25
I haven't found this man

I think it is easy to act mature
I've seen 7 year-old girls play it off
"maturity" seems to be missing the point

Getting older means being more useful
Useful to oneself especially

As long as I'm confused, I am a detriment
As long as I am uncomfortable with smiling, I am not yet that man

As long as I am alive, I will be on a quest to meet this man

obvious title

Don't feel stupid, even though you feel stupid
People tell me I must be smart, but I only listen when they say I must be stupid

Because I know I am stupid, I know my brain is stupid
I am stupid for blaming my brain
I am stupid for being where I am, in this stupid situation

I am stupid for not having done more in 25 years
I am stupid for listening to people who make me feel stupid

And I am stupid for thinking I am stupid

putting everything aside (2)

Being open-minded
This world is amazing
And inexplicable

And to imagine that there is no intentionality behind it is ludicrous

But to imagine that there is perfect intentionality...

putting everything aside

If there is a god
And if we must believe in him

putting me aside and my life

He is doing a terrible job

He is intentionally fucking up because he is god and down the spiraling circle of nonsense we go

Survival

Survival
The most natural human instinct
If you say "I don't want to survive"
They lock you up
You are a danger to yourself
I know this first hand

But why?
Why why why survive?
According to dogbert, we are organic pain collectors hurtling twards oblivion
Excercize and eat right?
You're only prolonging the inevitable
Death is nothing more than extinguishing a resource burning flame

But perhaps there is a reason why
If there is no God maybe you are a part of the whole
Purpose is in helping others
Succeeding as a team
Performing your role
Lenin would agree
It's selfish to quit.
Pretend life is a highschool volleyball game

If there is a God, maybe you're a part of His plan
Maybe he has big dreams for you
Maybe you're never alone

Either way I think survival makes sense
Death is the ultimate irreversible test
I told Bob this once, it was for the best
Though I still believe the end of life is rest

Justin Lehtonen
Worldwide Facilities Inc

this is my evening

i was not born for any purpose
I was not born to suffer or succeed
But out of another human
a woman named mom
Marcia from Ohio
Jewish blood, Eastern European ancestors
A white jewish boy with the name Michael Paul
With no purpose, was born

Getting to bed on time
Eating, bathing, pooping in the toilet
This was my purpose

But it's been a while since those days
I want total liberation, i've trapped myself, contained my heart
I want companionship, I feel isolated, i've buried myself alive

But most of all I want happiness to replace these feelings
I want to go back to childhood and retry
It really is about survival, it's more than a game

Content

Try as I might, might I try
Try at all not even
Making the attempt
Planning to give in Calc
Ulating
Unafraid of consequences un
Abashedly selfish
Exhibiting symptoms of personal
Obsession try
The trying's not enough partic
Ularly when I don't try
Death
In cloak wrapped
Coddling
Would you try if you knew what
Lurked
Within it
Truth come out
You wouldn't

Justin Lehtonen

Poetry as a tool

I'll share this to sort out the thoughts
I won't vent or journal, I'll share

the hour has arrived to stop

Stop is a negative word
Let's be positive

the hour has arrived to overcome

This is not what you think
Not what you think I mean
Actually, it is exactly exactly

You know what's on my plate
You know the lack of faith and empty optimism I carry
You know the skin picking problem, aka perfect excuse to be boring

You know what road I am on and you assume, as I assume
That nothing will change

It won't happen overnight
It won't happen tonight
It will happen from this moment becoming the next moment
This brain becoming tomorrow's brain

Until I've finally put it behind me
Far far behind
I don't want to see it, hear it
In fact, let's pretend it is gone

Moving forward
Looking forward
Distrusting the past

night audit

whoa fuck, this is great
night audit is the shit
I work for 2 hours in an 8-hour shift
and spend the rest of the time
reading and watching movies
and I get free starbucks
damn... why have I ever had any other job?

In a different place

In a different place we all are
And I bet your mind is on some trivial shit
And I bet I would like to be black for a day
And talk like a black man

Would I be sophistccated or hood?
Would I like black girls with big booties
I am black
And I am cherokee, sitting bull they call me

You can't imagine how chaotic my mind
hhhhhhhhahhhhhhh, have I impressed you with my k-o-tic
I've seen the future and it's grim, but the near future is a mystery

Let's sneak into the not too distant, make fake plans and do nothing
Who's 'we', who's 'you' in this song, "who's who's writing this shit i've heard a zillion and one

Took me a while to wake up and now I'm up, don't wanna be tired

I will

Imma do this and that and yattee dah
Powerful shit to hear a person's dreams
But it is just a hope
Like buying things you can't afford

It is glorious to think that one day you will have what you want
And I know personally that unless a major illness or unforseen catastrophe strikes
I will have what I want

Does it make me evil to be so preoccupied with my own success?
Am I digging a hole that I'll never climb out of?

But then I realized that the whole world comes through my eyes
If I am not happy then I don't care about the world
And If I am happy then everything is looking up with the world

I have to be happy first and first and that's everything
And in order to be happy I need to prove to myself that I am a valuable human
And to prove this to myself I need material accomplishments which will establish my place in 21st century western society
And when I prove this to myself I will live out the remainder of my life with a big fucking evil grin on my face
And when people see this stupid grin they will be jealous
But I will be happy

Waiting

You're tired of reading
Tired of writing
Tired of thinking

You are tired of it not working out
Tired of volleying the same thoughts
Tired of trying and only getting so far

Tired of desiring more than you have and not knowing if you will get it
Tired of being dissapointed
Tired of lowering your expectations
Tired of settling for 2nd
Rationalizing after the fact
Seeing others get what you want
Waking up unenthusiastically
Counting the hours
Repitition, nothing, ffffffffff

One day I will overcome, but not today

did you ever

It is amazing to me how much one's attitude influences their life
Even though the attitude is mostly a reflection of one's experiences

We have control over our attitude
And we have control over our lives

We have a strong degree of control
But we feel stuck

We have control of the vehicle
But we remain stuck in the mud

We blame oursevles, I blame myself
And I remain stuck

From time to time I slam the accelerator
and the situation worsens

So I stop trying for about 20 seconds
And I slam the gas again

the definition of insanity is not that stupid bullshit about expecting different results
insanity is losing your fucking mind

And I've almost been there and I'm not proud of it but not ashamed
It has formed me and shown me how dark the cavern can get

But I am climbing out
and I wish this for everyone staring down the darkness of insanity

Let's change ourselves and start again
No matter where we are

I also yell out loud in public now

And not just when it's expected
Like at a football game
This poem was lame from the start
Can it be saved?
No
So I'll just enter random thoughts
My wife is nice
You guys should be so lucky
We ran around the neighborhood with the dog
I was barefoot
She was giggling

We sat on the porch talking
And relaxing
Guy in a white van drive up, honking
Blasting megaphone
Something to the effect of
"Come get your hot tamales"
I screamed at the top of my lungs
"Megweigh, mammanama mamheih"
Which was what his spanish sounded like

When I went back to Columbus
The feel, the encouragement
People saying "justin go back to how you used to be. Do whatever you want. Ignore the rules"
I said, "this is real life now"
And I have people to please
And duties to discharge
And objectives to meet

But I still yell out loud in public (sometimes)
If anything, just to expel the lethargy from my lungs
Just to imagine the freedom of youth

The matrix has you, Neo

Justin Lehtonen
Worldwide Facilities Inc

One of those moments

THIS is one of the those rare moments when I've been given one of those rare opportunities to take my life in a different direction
And it is a positive direction
POTENTIALLY...don't jinx it assfuck

For fear of failing I try not to make it a big deal
But 50% of me knows it is a big deal
IT'S A HUGE DEAL, not really

And calm down, and pump up, and relax, and yell aloud in public
I yell out loud in public now, I am psychotic, I'm not normal
But no one is you fuckin fakers

Back to ME
Back to my living dream
Literally counting down the hours
These thoughts are affecting my heart rate

I am thankful for this moment and this life
I am human

Again

Get up
Now let's do it again
Go to work
Again again
Do it again
Repeat repeat repeat repeat
Sit at you desk again
Again answer email
Wake up _ go to work
Come home _ eat
Again _ go to sleep
Repeat that again?

Mechanical life of precise
Repetition endless yet painfully short
What is worth
It
Again?

Wake up you need to go to work
There are urgent emails waiting for you
Don't make me tell you again

The life cycle of a modern man
Stifled by routine
Aware of it again

There is something useful fruitful
Burried amid this behavior belief
That what's done for Christ will last
That God honors hard work and perseverance
That's what comes to mind again

So wake up
Let's do it again
Go to work (for God)
Again again
Do it all for Him again
Lay your routine at His feet again
Grasp the meaning inherant in a life poured out
Again

Justin Lehtonen
Worldwide Facilities Inc

fire

when i was old
i used to wake
and stress
and measure my work
held to the fire

as I grow younger
I wake
and take in the sun
and feel the fire
warming me
peacefully

ABCD

No one is afraid of success
they are afraid of failure

Failure stings and nags and tinkers with the mind
Success deludes and enlarges and tingles the mind

There is so much to do and no guarantee of success
The hours and energies that life demands are overwhelming

And all we know how to do is escape

Change

Wake up and your brain is on auto
You have to change that shit
But it's hard and slow
Change that shit

It won't change
But you have to or you'll get the same results
Things will stay the same
Life will cruise by

Catch yourself, change
Again, make the change
And again....do it
you must

And again
Again

The Web

the internet is a distraction
And it is an escape distract with a fake "productive" label on the box

Get on the internet and dive into your fantasy life in which you are connected to the world
Here you are not buried in unmet objectives

Check your email 7 times
Google Justin Beiber because no one is looking
Facebook that ugly girl to make her feel good

Okay, my life is empty
I have not met the love of my life and I don't know if I will
I do not have the power and personality I secretly crave

All I have is a connection to the world wide web and too much time on my hands
All I have is an internal dialogue that won't shut up
I keep pretending it's me, but me keeps changing, every day I change
Why can't I change?

The Obama Years

One more chance
God gave me....
No! Blind luck gave me...
Wait! Do I believe in God?
Thank you for this chance
People need extra chances

I believe that things will turn out okay, even the things that aren't in my control
That's what Michael Jordan told me : Be optimistic about everything in life
So I am being optimistic.
It will work out

I will hit my 30s and my life will be so baller status, ganster status, pimp nigga g-money status
I am gonna be traveling, healthy, girl on my hip, cash in my wallet, scuba-bungi-flopping across the Amazon river with my waterproof spanish dictionary

Life is gonna get disgustingly good
But it starts here in these difficult and doubtful moments
This is why we have MLK, JFK and Nelly
To give us hope... to keep us paddling, hustling, believing

And I do believe

fucking mosquitoes

mosquitoes is a weird word
it always looks as though it were misspelled
whether it's right or wrong
they keep biting me fuck

there's not going to be anything new
this small potential for
some cybernetic relationship of strangers
facebook is just like porn to me
i log on and look at stuff because...

i smoke too much these days and i
don't have a pipe yet because i'm too broke
and good pipes are expensive

i keep editing my resume trying to figure out
what the corporate bureaucratic psychology is
behind all this fucking bullshit
i can do the job it's easy as pie
but you expect me to be another american delinquent
who knows nothing about dedication and self discipline

and our water has shit in it
little floaty white particles that make me gag when i see them

let one down

up up
catch
good
keep them up
up
wooahh.. good.
nice
up up

the balls through the air
i'm a juggler
balls falling all the time
but it's nice to keep trying

don't worry about it.
let one down
which?
any


i do it because it's fun
do you?
yeah! fun and
i like to work hard

let one down,
gently

they keep dropping

i keep getting dropped

let one down,
gently

Farting in the car

Mike is always so bold and eloquent
Jared is always so stoic and thoughtful
Stephen is always so busy

Our remaining life expectancy has decreased by roughly 8% since we've known each other
None of us has become famous
Obama doesn't know who I am

We could sieze the day, or we could let life slowly waste away.
Would the end result be any different?
Would the earth care if we stopped metabolizing calories?
Would God care if we did nothing for the rest of our lives?

Mike is going to finish a physics degree
Jared is going to change the way people think through film
Stephen is goint to have 10 kids with Beth Tuttle

Life,
I can't understand it
My dog pisses all over the oriental rug and I'm flabbergasted
Thousands die of hunger in Africa and I could care less
Existence is refreshingly short
Provocatively meaningful
Challengingly demanding
Irritatingly irritating

The simple pleaseures are meaningles when they've passed
Life is a lonely sheep, wandering through the grass

Ive seen enough

It's an eminem lyric
But it connects with my brain
And I am not of the rap generation
But I am from the rap era

I can listen to whatever music I want
And I can take from it whatever I like
But it probably has had an unforeseen effect on me
I think I am superman

I think I am destined for greatness
I think I am the world's greatest
I am the eye of the tiger, and all I do is win

So where do I go from here
the songs have been lying to me
the food is unhealthy
the gossip culture is oozing up through the cracks

I need to travel again
I need to see the world
It is the only way I can live

Fuck yeah

Blogging

It takes time to write something worth reading
I suppose Jujamist is an outlet for me
And so I will wipe away the veil of poetry and just be real

Sometimes I think I hate myself
And by myself I mean my subconscious mind

I suspect that most of what it believes is based on biology and reality, but other times it seems that I am stupid and weak.

My subconscious continues to present to me the same counterproductive thoughts and urges that i can't seem to escape.

Occasionally I fight hard, I win easily, and then the thoughts, having waited patiently for my little tirade to dissipate, return so casually.

And then I am here. Back to baseline dissatisfaction.

I think I need to study.
(this was not a poem)

Did you tell your mom you're gay yet?

Hey buddy
What's that on you shirt?
You have something on your shirt and it's funny to me.
No, look there dumbass
Yes I'm talking to you
Your fly's down and your breath stinks and there is tp on your shoe

Haha. Did everyone get a look at this kid
He is such a funny kid
Now let's have some fun
Let's stuff him in my trunk
Let's drive at highway speeds while he clings to the roof
What's that kid?

Oh you want me to slow down?
Open your mouth a little
Now tell me - how does my ass taste?
Hopefully this will teach you some respect
With all that acne it's no wonder you're lonely

Hey, did you tell your mom you're gay yet?
No?
So you are gay, but you haven't told her?
Haha - this kid said he's gay

Not Sure But Willing to Try

I have no options in this
I have no where to turn
I am stuck here
And my mind is fixated on this moment

And this moment must be as it is
And this flow of thoughts is what it is
Unaffected by nothing, affected by everything
In the chaos I must live

My brain has brought me here and I am loving or hating every minute of it
My brain is my brain and it is my foe and tool and weapon and weakness

Knowing my brain, which I hardly do, I cannot promise you much
I cannot promise you I will be alive in 4 years or that I will be happy in 2 weeks
I cannot promise you I will do what I promise to do

This does not make unreliable, it makes me truthful

I will fight away the darkness
Or I will let the darkness blind me
I will give it my best and succeed
Or I will break under the pressure of life

I am curious about my future. All I know is that it won't be easy and it won't be boring.

Expletive attributives

Expletive attributives are apparently evil
Or at least immoral, unethical, shameful, perhaps despicable.

So, in case you feel tempted, here are some alternatives:
Coitus, copulation, vulva, divine retribution, Jesus of Nazareth, feces.

But I think that people who act as though expletive attributives are evil,
Are a great big load of bull.

And only unconsciously desire to maintain the appearance of ethicality,
By whatever means seems easiest.

And taking affront at the usage of a particular word is very easy,
But discerning the hearts of others is not.

It is Hellaciously Hot in My Apartment

Sweat glistening mist on my flowing leg hair

Sticky soda stains in my mouth and lips

Naked now, and still dripping sticky sweat

Smells of dirt and taco trash fermenting

Los Angeles September Afternoon Heat

I must destroy all heat producing electronics I possess

Laptop, toaster oven, TV,

The fans I set up are blowing hot air in from the windows

So September, Is this your best shot?

Force me back to the suburbs from whence I came

With AC and backyard pools and every house the same

A peaceful life if climate controlled safety

Blissful golf and tennis

Big green yards (with real, growing grass)

But I want you, September.

I melt in you with 18 million other Angelinos

This is a place to greet the world and melt

And become a real individual man

And make my own name

But it is REALLY hot in my apartment!

How it is

We are humans and we recognize that
we are limited and we believe it
we will fail many times

And though failure is a part of success
and though getting back up is the sign of a strong individual
and though Jared thinks i;m overemphasizing the win-lose dynamic....

I fucking hate losing

T-pain sings, "all i do is win win win no matter what"
And I couldnt agree more
I agree that winning matters

I agree that losing is losing and winning is winning
I believe sports are pointless and entertaining, but symbolic and still pointless

losing, winning, tying, farting....I am going bizerk

And then i step back and appreciate
Reset and appreciate the space, my limbs and brain and faculties
...my youth and experiences and potential
...my sight and hearing and financial situation
....god I love my family

And then I try to win again
And I will

gRRR

I have to say
I'm digging my poetry recently
Well guess that's ok

In other news
I'm having a kid and wtf?
I got the blues

Life's a bitch
I need a job real bad but
I don't want it

& ppl r GAY
They do stuff that makes me mad
Like type that way

Well that's me
How about you, or do I care?
I think I do.

maybe

Technology

Amanda's on the couch
And I'm on my phone
Typing an email to no one
And listening to 90's alternative rock

My place

Falling asleep and waking up. Two moments so raw with deeper feelings that they almost seem to define me.

What dances through my unconscious as I finally lose control of my attention?

Who am I in the grand scheme?

I want to keep away the blahs. I hate the blahs. I hate the blahs. Tazor me and throw me off a bridge. Introduce me to a gorgeous woman and wrestle me into submission.

I wasn't meant to live like this. I was meant to fight for survival and sexual partners.

I probably would have been a beta male and then killed the alpha at a timely moment.

I would have been a great cavedweller cause I am smart. I would have led great hunts and the women would have fought for my attention.

I would wear the big bear fur and the shark-tooth necklace.

I would yell at my friends, but never at my children.

I would have kept the group safe and informed.

whata?

Here, it's come: impossibility of the interaction situation
  Devastation shall commence in silence, a frozen glance
    Frozen in memory like a trance
Fuck! I don't want to deal
  Don't want to do another repeat of this whole fucking spiel
    I never signed a contract for this shit--
“These three words here ten times a day
  “Sound earnest! Act like you love the show!
    “Really grow into the character till you can't tell”--
Tell what? That I used to have a penis and a mote of courage?
  That I wouldn't take all this social nonsense?
    Bow down to the God of taboo and peer influence?
Write a fucking memoir in my will to my kid?
  “Enjoy life while it lasts son... it's just a blast!”
    Yeah that's rich. Condense 50 years to a 10-word axiom.
So what is this just a rant profuse with profane
  Stuff? Did I say enough, too much? I'll refrain
    Restrain, sit back and let the world drain and drain
I'll behave, institutionalize my brain and obey,
  Knock off another 40-hour hallucination, delusion
    Fast-paced American confusion--

    Always thinking that the meaningless is Real
      Always hoping that the meaningful is just a Dream
        And assured beyond a shadow of a doubt that
          Dreams
            Are
              Never
                Real

Desire

There is so much desire.
So much passion being repressed.

So much life waiting to come out.
And i know it;s not just me.

That coach with his eye on the trophy
And that boy with his eye on the girl

We don't want inner peace. Inner peace is for sissies.

Bring on the fucking challenge
I did it today
Let's do it tomorrow

Is that how it feels?
I can deal with that. I need that.

I need obstacles so I can overcome them.

I need challenges so I can enjoy facing them

I need pain. I need to feel alive.

boy meets world

Love! That is a big thing, it is a big part of life

It's the subject of half the songs, and half the movies...

But stop quantifying it, stop making movies! Stop tipifying the experience.

It is not about the feeling, it is about the girl.

It is the human condition, but it is an individual experience. And she IS special.

Don't tell me what I'm feeling, because the chances are I know and you are just being too realistic.

"why be realistic?"

Don't deny me this energy, this reawakened passion for life

I don't want marraige....I want her

I am not afraid of failing, of being hurt. I am not afraid of making bad jokes, embarrassing myself, meeting her boyrfriend.

I am not afraid of being cheesy, bring on the cheese

bring it all on

Body Health

He does drugs
I've heard it all
He's got problems
I know
We all have problems

And his mom is 84 years old, very ill
And their insurance won't pay
And their child has a lung problem
A heart problem
A mind and a body

There's a tendency to overestimate the body
To not appreciate the system
To not worship the organism and supply it with what it needs

I hope I can eat healthy
I am making a decision to eat healthy
And live healthy
I need my body
I worship the organism

It's not vanity, but it is self-interest

Shmack Down

Push off and away from the psycho babble
Squeeze past and shimmy by the me plus world schematic
Casually forget the authority figures and critics and whoever else smothers you
Float away from the conversation and leave the planet

You are asleep, adream, and at last afloat
Your imagination is unfastened and your time is uncounted

Pearly gates, compound fractures, whatever it is
It is yours to imagine and explore

Until your REM cycles wind down
And the sunlight creeps in
Right as the wooly mammoth you were talking to decides to aimlessly wander and disappear
You awake

You awake 6 minutes prior to your alarm clock
65 minutes before you have to be there
3 days until the big whatever
21 days to pay the whoever
13 months until the wedding
And a few hundred months until the big sleep

Direction

Isolation and boredom:
Foes of life

Errors and backtracking
Indicators of suckiness

Optimism and results
Indicators of progress

Progress and happiness
Indicators of good things

Health and happiness and family
Everything

How to get what I want is a question that i ask myself
And it is question that is so obvious

It is so obvious what we must do
And so obvious that we'd prefer not do it
And we'd rather lie to ourselves

Im right
Ive always been right
This is life, and this is how life goes

Don't hit the breaks or go out of your way to try something totally different
Because you're on the right track because you're smart and you're doing your best

You're stupid on the outside, but brilliant in the end
You're shy and akward day to day, but Sean Connnery when the time comes

You're Sean penn, Jim Carrey, and Mark Twain rolled up into masterpiece

You are quickly ascending the mountain of glory

Don't go home.

Single Minded

i LOVE pushing daisies,
i know it wasn't on that long, but
I LOVE pushing daisies, where ned- well he owns a pie shop, piehole,
and kristen chenowith is in love with him and she sings- probably once a season
it only lasted 2 seasons- really good, never caught on
Dexter! I really have wanted to see it,
I love musicals
south pacific,
mostly ones from 40s, 50s, 60s
70's
what do you like?

i'm moderately singleminded
not super interesting
just super interested

sYMBLS

In words
thoughts on screen, jotted, blogged

Published, informally, googlenated, googlized, gluegled, gluegled, gluegled

Who gives a flying...
Who gives a rats flying.....
Who gives a spider who swallowed a fly

The recurrences...my mind sees them like flies on dog poop
Like the stray dog poop i see on the sidewalk
And the pollution wafting over the poop into my nostrels

Here I am...in no mans land.....typing crap that you recognize as crap

I have been reduced to a cafe customer, to a family member, to another person

The life here is objectively worse
Objectively pathetic for some
Unequivocally a wasted lifetime
Unequivocally the stupidest way to spend a day
That is, selling rice and fried pork skins for pennies
Unenthuaistically soliciting passerbies to buy your dog poop

Fuck poverty
What a stupid bitch of a problem
It is not empathy that will change this place

It is anger and resolution
But the task is super difficult
And I, too, would rather just escape to the States

Social Dynamics

- "Whom are you talking to?"
- It's "who" not "whom"
- Who?! okay...okay

- ha ha ha, I thought it was whom too
- how was the wedding?
- do tell!
- ha ha ha

Whom do I talk to?
How do I talk?
I want to impress them
But why?
What am I going to prove
What is this rediculous game, and who started it?

Smile, eye contact
Fake laugh, bad handshake
Forgetting names, telling fibs
Good conversation, quality jokes

This is how we interact
This is how we establish friends
start romantic relationships
form opinions
define personalities

The thick of it

The fabric of conscious life
A brilliant design cut with a dull pair of scissors
A volatile and provocative image
Set against the serenity of unconsciousness.

I don't understand it
I don't believe anyone does

From where this field marshal stands
We are clowns in the dense jungle brush
Carefully juggling our self-esteem meters
Performing for the tall trees
Breaking a sweat to amuse plant life

Routines spring up like weeds
Insects come out in the summer
And the lions have it good

Roman Candles

All warriors, we fight with Roman Candles.
Not to conquer, because power is false.
It's to impress.
Look at us.
Like this, we will go the way of the Romans.

Maya

Mayan people
Conquered, converted, and set free
I feel the same way

Some hustlers, some druggies, kids with a ball
Boats, buses and days go by
Expectations being satiated

Set by a lake beneath volcanoes in the forest
I wish I could call this town special
But the HDTVs and blue jeans say it isn´t

It is only special outside of town
Villagers paddling the lake, children laboring firewood and avocadoes
Tourism is finally out of sight

The harder it rains the more obvious it becomes:
Life is crazy

Sleepy time

Narcissism
I am preoccupied with myself
I know there is a prison and I have chosen to be here

I want this prison and I want to find a way out
I want this game and I want to win it
I like lolli-pops and I'm begging for one

Where is that jail key?
Where is that prison guard?
How long have I been here?

Lights out

Coffee Shops

They smell like coffee

And they make coffee that smells exactly like coffee

They deliver exactly what they promise

And they are nicely decorated, one just like the next

When you arrive you know what to expect

You probably already know what you want

And you probably will pay with credit card

And you will probably feel normal

But you aren't normal

You are an american coffee junkie

You dwell in major metropolitan areas

You cannot function without caffeine, or so you've convinced yourself

And you spend $100 a month so that other people can pour you coffee

Title

In this relative reality
Beneath this land of the free
Inside these living rooms
Exists pain

You may catch a glimpse of these reclusive pain-bearers
Spring-loaded with attitude
Dampened with depression

Their vitriolic remarks may penetrate your outer layers
And their faces may rip your seamless stream of thought

The painful embers that they walk on
Don't match the wall to wall carpeting you have installed
The long nights that keep them awake
Have no place in your breezy bedroom

What can we offer these bold adventurers
Exploring the depths of loneliness and pain that few have seen
How to approach a rabid dog
But with a sterile jab of tranquilizer

These cleverly built walls need breaking
And a handsome diplomat needs to be sent in

AEIOU

speck
a small spot
detail
rather small
I can't tell

You know, I don't know
In theory, in practice
Engineer me an apple that I feel safe eating

CNN exclusive
World Cup, The Finals,
Marketing tendencies

Successes and blunders
Sports and business

Jesus our Savior
Mohammed our prophet
KFC our dinner
Biscuits and Buckets

In Denial
Prepare the Palestinians for statehood
Two trombones sound better than that cow bell
Trip the alarm and frame the enemy

Would you like a triple chocolate meltdown?
Your problems stand here on the ladder of personal problems
Do you sell collectible souvenir cups?

How much would you pay?
Would you really pay that?
Thanks, sorry, excuse me
Smoke a cigar

Donations
Volunteers but donations are better
Really, donations
Donations, really, donations
Donations

Ignore that
I do ignore it
Ignore
Ignore

I have forgotten what it was like to be me
How bad is it?
It depends
Sorry I asked

Apologize to yourself so that you can go to bed
Hit the light

Mellow

Turbulence

In the skies and in the mind

Am I traveling at 500 mph at 30,000?

Or am I nodding off in my living room?

How can I stabilize with all this turbulence

Education in America:

I can solve it

World Hunger:

I can assuage it

Maintaining personal well-being:

I am at a loss

Being patient and non-judgemental:

Day to day

Believing in myself:

Where do I begin

Me me me:

blah blah

What a world that I'm living in

Resolve

I have long wanted control over my behavior
I have long known the name of my obstacles
But only now have I begun to peer inside
These obstacles, formerly called enemies, formerly called self-hatred, formerly called habit, are like tightly wound knots

The knots need untying
This untying is done with my attention, my awareness, my inward gaze

Staring at these knots reveals they are just strands of rope
Following these strands brings me to their ends
And from these ends I can get to work

Beginning to untangle now
Keeping my eye on the darting and morphing and knotting

I have spent many years creating this mess
Unconsciously tangling and tangling

It is time to disengage the gears
And open the hood

friday night's elusive escape

Doesn't matter if I sleep 5, 6,7 or even 8 hours on Thursday night
Friday night my mind shuts down
I have to say
"start thinking now"
and give myself minute to warm up
at a loss for words I'll suddenly recall I can just ask someone else a question
that's easy
"do you like living here in California? it's probably pretty different from China?"
I guess the only downfall of the questioning approach is that the other party might realize I am useless for conversation and simply scrounging in my head for some obvious question

other times I'll get on a roll
"oranges? Yeah! my grandparents have 40 acres of oranges, they have mandarins- maybe those are from China, they have satsumas, they have grapefruit, they have this amazingly big grapefruit tree that they made, the grafted it, it's like this big, big as a basketball."
silence.
maybe i should change the subject

i know- i'll ask a question
"where in guatemala are you from again?"

That Mountain, That Gravity

There's a mountain that I'm under.
It feels like lead and even leaves the mark.
A dark, gray mark.
I don't know it's a mountain.
From down here it is pitch black, buried in the earth.
But the heat is there.
And I've had notions.
At times I thought it was a volcano,
But it was easy to laugh it off and attend something else.
Ignoring the rumbling
That has been building.
But it's getting too loud to ignore anymore.
The sound is becoming more distinct.
And booming and encapsulating.
And it's getting hotter.
And I'm getting nervous,
Because the ground is starting to shake
And I have started to understand that I'd better attend
The volcano.

Thinker

Yes, I'm complaining

Up front and upset

It's never a straight answer from these people

It's always an air of superiority

Answer my question and spare me the wisdom

Even if you're right, you have no right, you are no help

But's that is me judging again

I have to let go of my ego

Let me let go

who am I asking?

LET ME LET GO

Let me learn to let myself stop judging

Is that an excuse?

Am I reading too much philosophy?

I am digging too deep into the gulf of knowledge

Let me borrow your computer so I can plug up the problem.

No internet?!!

How about movies or arguments or mirrors.

make me good n' dizzy

redefine the problem

Oh good! it's the same problem

I haven't been wasting my life

I haven't been wasting my limited time chasing the wrong things

Wasting my time alone

Wasting my time telling myself I'm suffering

Wasting my time fearing failure

Wasting my time changing channels

"I'm up for anything"

Am I?

More likely I am up for bungi-jumping

The rest seems like a peanuts cartoon

Hum drum and overdone

The second donut is never worth it

The impulsive resolutions never stick

And the best ideas are always forgotten

Don't take my advice

Don't take me seriously

This is just me expressing my inner neuron to neuron network

Millions of complicated chemical reactions all perfectly synchronized to make me feel worthless

Millions of years of evolution to make me want to undo myself

"Ribbit" goes the frog

"Ugh" says the girl who wants to be heard

"Fuck" says the guy who wants to sound tough

"Boom" goes the suicide bomber

"Moo" goes the cow

Months of chaotic thinking

But I think I'm on the right path

The Playoffs

Go team!

Score, jump, jockey, fight!

Noooooooo, don't do that team!!

Bad team! Unacceptable decision, team!

Yes, we're winning!

WE are winning. It is us. Me plus my team. My team plus my tortilla chips and beer.

My team plus chips, beer and couch...plus my friend's beer and his half-enthusiastic comments.

Me plus all the years I've wasted in front of this god-damn screen watching these mother-fucking LOSERS.

Pardon the French darling. I'm sorry.

You know how I get when my team is on.

You know my team needs me to watch them so that ?????????????????????? and we win the championship

You know it is my chaotic existence and my uncontrolled superstition that have led me to believe that I can control something I can't.

I dare not tell anyone about my superstition, but it is growing. My habits are settling in, and I am comforted in the surrender of control.

I don't mind wasting my life and emotions. I enjoy this.

The Fabric of Days

C as in Carrot

P as in Parrot

At what point does it all stop making sense?

I as in "Do I amuse you?"

As in Joe Peschi as in Goodfellas

Tech support as in: both parties are annoyed

South Park and Family guy as in : haha, eh, ha, eh, sigh

Me as in: I can sense the spectrum of human emotion even if I don't always live it

Who cares about me? Who cares that I am a world champion in No-Gi Jiu Jitsu

That my biceps smell like popcorn when I am urinating

That I enjoy scratching my head with a sharpened pencil

It's not that complicated

Eat, money, socialize, sleep, repeat

Reroute

I cant tell the future

But I can recognize patterns well

I recognize human voices

I recognize myself

Sometimes the community seems to suggest

That we are cows

Heading through a corral

Unconscious and unprepared

But we are intelligent

We are very self-aware

Even of our limitations

I don't see our genetic limits as a weakness

It seems to be our egoism by which we are easily unraveled

Intimidated and defeated

Persuaded and mislead

Enticed and sold

"I just bought the new...."

"I just saw the latest...."

"I just traded some of my self-worth over to the trendiest...."

We think and behave politically

But the politics are the scapegoat

The monster is inside

The path to liberation is inside

time

subterfuge

that's what it is

be wary

watch out

trust when you must

but know the 1st rule:

Everybody wants something

consciously or unconsciously

learn the opponents moves

and win the game

Need to Know

I need to know it's gonna work out
I need to know I will find my Gladiator heaven

At some point
Not now, haha
Not funny, I know

Eventually!
One day!

I am looking to the future, we all do it
Slap on another hope sticker

But as I age, I become tired of being unrealistic
I refuse to lie to myself
I have chosen to fight the optimism bias

Slow and steady.
Not in sports, but surely in life
We are Aesop's animals carrying on the torch
Bullets wizzing past our heads, our mission is to push the marker as far as we can
Before we die

Meanwhile, the Rocky soundtrack fades in and out, and the green pastures glow in the distance

I remain pessimistic, but realistic.

Pushing all the bullshit aside
There is a samurai within me
A warrior waiting for his sword.
Sensing the enemy, anticipating the sunrise.

Fighting for freedom

mAYBE

Maybe life is grand and wonderful

Maybe every experience is like piano notes and starlight and forests full of snow

Maybe this is where the time goes

Truth is shallower than touch

Open your eyes to the sheer volume of tingling particles of energy and color in the world

Breath in the dripping wonder of life and beauty

And maybe the end is really better, and better, and better than we ever dared to dream

Maybe the end glorifies the means.

can't sleep so i'm listening to 'Insomniac'

listening to Jared's group sing Insomniac
i don't think listening to a song called insomniac when you can't sleep helps
I don't know if it hurts either.
it just calls it like it is.

my mind is racing. my mind is racing. my mind is racing.
wait a few days, the premeditated time.

anxiety-> yes, no?
gratefulness, definitely.
anxiety-> ahhhhh all this is new.
grateful that I can fall

crazy when something out of reach moves within reach.
surprise*
that's why i can't sleep.
thank you

Tears for Fears

Winning or giving up
Expecting success but seeing failure
Repeating the same behaviors that you have vowed to stop

This is the quiet path of the loser

So easy to admit fault
But so hard to accept responsibility

Easy to apologize
But hard to change

Tiredness replaces planning
Argument replaces debate

You are in loserland.
Can you hear the distant conversation?
Repeat after me: Whatever, So what, Who cares

Can you sense the frustration and bitterness?

It was there all along.

Welcome to your life.
There's no turning back
Even while you sleep

summer

you guys are cool
we sit in one area of grass and talk microfinance
move to another area of grass and talk TFA
we move to the hotsprings and talk about how wierd that dude with the CIA-conspiracy theory was
we throw frisbees at jared's legs, laugh that we are 24 almost 25 and still having a good time together
i am thankful that we still hang out, that we still talk for hours about the existence of God
that we think about where we will be in 5 years time.
maybe we'll be married
maybe we'll be at Kern again celebrating another birthday.
in 5 years, it will be my 30th. hmmmmm
that's old.
but not too old and we'll still conversate for hours
and Mike will say the most ridiculous stuff
and my tent will fly away
and Justin will make some killer steaks and drink a lot of beer
Jared will jump into a tree with his torso
and we'll talk about where we'll be in 5 years time.

Slight anxiety...fuck
At first it is just unsettling
"I am not going away" it says

It is your brain talking to you

"How dare my brain turn against me?" you say
But it does
It is your split personality
The little devil on your other shoulder

Just like in the sitcoms, but there is no laugh track
This little devil knows your dark past and your bleak future

"What's the point?" it seems to say
And even though your answer is well-rehearsed, the devil is persuasive
The devil will gain momentum if you don't take massive action
And you don't

You've been succesfully beseiged
The storm troopers have taken their positions

Darth evil gives his orders:
"Halt Stop everything"
"Consider your failures"
"Consider the futility of it all"
"Retreat from life"
"Commence galactic self-destruction"

Star wars may be a good time
But darth devil is not a villain
He is the nightmare.
That very real possibility that we won't see our fairy tell ending.

Stream of Waves

Stanley
Billboards are an afterthought
Southpark is on TV

We deserve to know the direction of our lives
And I am here to tell you

It is randomness
Utterly random is the wrong adverb
It isn't utters or utterly

It's smash and grab chance weather patterns
Wake up and goodnight to the solstice arc
Takeoff, touchdown, cell phone cash cows


Hicks, Ebonics, Racism, Bad attitude, bad scenario

This whirlwind is not driven by emotion
It is driven by locomotion
But it is affected by affections
But it is annoying to find yourself annoyed and now you are broke

Sex on TV
Can you stand it?
Is your life goody Mcgood enough

Smother the habit thoughts
Randomness is defeated by diversion

Have I lost yet?
There is no losing, no winning, no ties
It's not a plus/minus death-mattering vegas-style existence

It's a horror movie, Burger King on weekends, too tired to think, lost in optomism, I wasn't cut out for this world, but you actually were and you're wrong

and... Who wants to discover how wrong you are?

Tell yourself "sweet dreams." say it sincerely, pleasant imaginings.

Tuesdays with Darkness

The sun has set on the fiefdom of Angeles
Check your 6th grade vocabulary list, fiefdom was on the test

Get into H.G. Wells' Time Machine
Not only will it take us back to freshman year
But it was also also on the test

"Delete repeated word"
Thank you Microsoft
You taught me that spelling isn't important and that I should ignore Grammar Check

Too many memories to process.
I used to walk those halls
I can't bring myself to accept that I lived it
Books, Nutrition, Meeting spot, Seating Assignment

Good classes, bad teachers.
Hours upon hours of experience tucked away into the black holes of my brain.

I have been in this brain all this time.
I was so different then.
I am so different now.
I will be so different 8 years from now.

But here I am.
In life's current.

This is not philosophy.
This is the ridiculousness of the human experience.

Life

I haven't lived yet
But I know where life is

It isn't on Wall Street
It isn't in a superbowl
It isn't in a laboratory
It isn't in a Pantagas play
It isn't in a Japanese rock garden
It isn't at Cape Canaveral, Florida next stop Mars

Life is not on the internet or in a classroom

Life is not at Disney's Magical Mountain, Toontown, USA

Life is not in a book, contrary to popular belief. Can we cue the reading rainbow song?

Life is risk, reward, punishment, subloop, if/then statements.

Chance is an understatement, chaos is an overstatement.

The word is life.

Life is the friend you still haven't called
Life is where the trees are
Life is in your basement, or wherever you feel loneliest
Life contains icicles and horse shoes
Life is two people crying together

Life will always be a struggle

Survivor the home game, place your bets

Foam hand and a hefty wager. Here come the players.

Africa

2nd largest continent
2nd most populous
1 billion people

I know more about Michael Jordan than Tanzania

I have spent more time laughing at Ben Stiller than contemplating Botswana

My brain has developed a resistance to this continent

I have been desensitized to the disease and violence

I don't blame the media

I blame the human psyche

Less than $800 million sent from the US to Haiti Disaster Aid. In all.

Not even a billion. Not even 2% of Bill Gates' worth. Not even 20% of Steve Jobs' worth.

What the fuck is going on?

This world is insane.

The American Dream

An experience to be had is out there
Dream past the American Dream
With booze and stress and happiness
Life comes but in between

The ipad-iphone, tweeter buzz
It keeps my nerves suppressed
This weekend I might off myself
But you can hit me on the text

Phones have become surveillance systems
This culture is now my jail
My credit card has taken charge
MasterCard will pay my bail

They sign you up in college now
Let the American adventure begin
A free t-shirt ought to cheer you up
But the debt will do you in

You're growing up, let freedom ring
But first find a partner and settle down
Walk the aisle and have a child
And embrace the suburban sounds

Parenthood is for everyone
Or so we tell ourselves
Soccer leagues with bad referees
Disneylands and Tinkerbells

Gossip, chatter, it's in the air
Keep me up to date
My life's as bland as desert sand
I've seen Aladdin 1 through 8

I've met these moms, angelic souls
Environmentally kind
Bluetooth strollers, expensive sunglasses
A million in a line

They need a job, a status marker
A title that gets respect
Home is where the heart is, fine
But happiness comes from checks

What do you do? they tend to ask
Politely with no shame
Your business card is what you are
Your life is just a game

Your dreams have turned to dollar signs
A human turned to cash
The adventure that this life once promised
Derailed, and burned and smashed

The movies, movies, we're going there
My gosh, it's Friday night
Gas, showtimes, jackets, good seats
We drink coke, the kids have Sprite

I cannot focus, this isn't good
The preview was better again
Romantic comedies suspend the lie
Of charming, handsome men

I cheated on my wife just once
Strangely with no remorse
Either this bride does really hate me
Or love has run its course

America, I love you
I believe we will prevail
My dream I've not, my life you've got
Your culture is my jail

Fallible

Tied up , 11 seconds left
Free-throw missed
Other team rebounds, fouled, wins
Tennessee loses

Grown men cry
Strong black men
The season is over
National attention fades
NBA scouts change the channel

I could have made that
A FREE THROW
I don't want to make mistakes
NO MISTAKES
I want to win, everytime, at everything

I want the self-confidence
I am as fragile as peanut brittle
I think I should join the marines
6 weeks to self-confidence

A gun in my hand
An insignia on my arm
An enemy
And a victory

Let's go home

Incantations

It's really happening
Life
Limitless possibilities
Spent chasing money

Spent chasing money
Money for things
things for self
Self for self

Self for self
Weekends for self
Weekends with brain
Food, TV, Vehicle, Sport, Bed

With my 3D goggles my hindsight is bad
With my surround sound my echo-location is off
With my money my brain is broken

Broken Brain!!
Insane!!
Carb, Protein, Fat, Chemical for Broken Brain

We're back in 3, 2, 1, and.....
"Hey Rob, how was your weekend?"

Who wants ?

The brevity leaves you wanting more
Too short or short enough, either way

That's good
I get it now
heres the mayonaisse
heres the salami

Are you a computer programmer?
I have a job for you
You can work for me
I can pay you

Let's find you a desk
Let's find you a company car
Let's find you a donkey with your name on it
You're fired

Leaves you wanting more
Broad generalities
Doesn't really make sense
But you think you understand

If only you thought about it
Then you'd get it
The next time you see it
Then you'll be comfortable, in fact an expert

comfortable
busy
occupied
doing well

Doing good work
Working
Busy
Moving

Time's Up!
Put down you remote controls
Unplug your VCR's
Find your children and leave

It hardly makes sense
It doesn't have to
It never will
I'm confused again

Dr

I have an appointment
I have been appointed to see someone
At a certain time, at a specific location
I know what will happen

"Sign in here...is this your first time?"
"Drivers License and Insurance Card....thank you"
"Fill out the clipboard...both pages...front and back"
"blah blah ...we'll call you soon"
I sit down......magazine .... stare at artwork ....... judge people ..... think about nothing .......
"Michael!....this way please!"

Small room, nurse soon follows
She pretends she has seen it all before
But she has never seen me
She is a robot

takes blood pressure
asks what medications i'm on
answers my stupid questions
tells me that the doctor will be in in a minute

It is all going according to plan

Where does the nurse go now?
Does she sit down and bang her head against the wall?
What did she do to earn this job?
I know!...slack of at a JC and then take out a loan and enroll in nursing school

Here comes the doctor now
Look at him. 4 years undergrad, 4 years medical school, 3 years residency in internal medicine, 3 years specialization/fellowship in cardiology, passed the boards.....TA-DA!

Should I bow to him? Shake his hand?

"Hi, how are you? How can I help you?"
"Well, lately I've been feeling this ....
"Say no more...here's the drug I give everyone, I'll see you in a month, exit that way"

Wow! What professionalism, what compassion, I feel better already

Mike

Why is Mike the only one posting on this site

Answer me mike!

I would like to say that I am happy.

I am content and satisfied with my life

I do not feel like I'm missing something

I do not feel that there is something I haven't done that I need to accomplish urgently.

I enjoy my existence

I enjoy my life in my Los Angeles apartment with my dog and my wife

I enjoy my Job. I like my cubicle. I like my neighbors in the adjacent cubicles. I like spending time with Stephen and Mike. I believe Jared will re-appear soon and I like that we will most likely go camping.

I like seeing my brothers becoming men and discovering how to run their own lives

I like exercising 5 days a week.

I like reading the Bible and praying

I like watching the Lakers play basketball

Life is good and I enjoy it. I am happy with what I have. God is Good.

National Interlaken

I have been here before.

Not just in this place, but in this pattern of thinking

In this chair, thinking in this way

Life is getting dull

I need drugs

Fun safe drugs....I have them

I could sell all my belongings and move to Laos or Cambodia or Afghanistan

I could learn Serbo-Croat, move to one of those Slavic countries and get into the ol' human trafficking biz

It's good money and you can abuse women

Or, but or, alternatively, scratch that, here's another idea:

Grow up to be like everyone else

The job, the car, the money, the family

All in a mad attempt to not have to think about anything

Head for the monasteries, bring a friend

The Radio

Lady Gaga is gay
Proud gay, fighting for the gays

Gays for gays, doing gay things
gay rights and gay homosexuals

We aren't anti-gay

We're anti- penis in another guy's butt
We're anti- guy sucks another guys dick
We're anti- guy acting like a girly bitch, more effeminate than most women are

But what do I think?
I don't like it much either, maybe it's my generation
We're barely out of the Brokeback Mountain days

I have no quarrels with gay marraige though
Because gay people can do what they want
Because that is how it should be - liberty is important

No on prop 8- am I too late?
Why is the African American community so bigoted towards gays...can't they see the analagies between gays and blacks?
Can't the world see?

We are oversimplifying again, or so I tell myself
There is a solution, and it is already en route

Outdoorsy

It smells like firewood
The intangible childhood memories

Seize the bacon, Justin is cooking
Why has Justin cooking bacon replaced my favorite childhood memories?
Leave my brain Justin, my mom used to make breakfast

My dad used to take off his shirt at every opportunity
My dad used to be confident and bold and secure and happy

And then the dream ended
Then everything my dad hoped for melted into a dizzying mess of his kids' adolescence and his wife's suffering

He wasn't an Al Bundy dad, or a Frasier Krane dad, or a Wonder Years dad, or a Home Improvement dad, or a Family Matters dad, or a Step by Step dad.....he was a Boy Meets World dad....a good dad

A man of few words and few deep troubles

But with his wife went his sister and his dad....with his wife went his dream....with his youth and with his wife went his faith in an honest days' work

And there goes someone's life

Born into one of the greatest countries, raised by good German Jews, driven internally by a desire for health and happiness

And brought down by blind chance...what some call God (this is not anti-god)

Where does the time go?

Surface Conversation

People are talking

What once sounded like forced courtesies

Now sounds like empty souls

Brains looking for rewards

Trying to laugh when nothing is funny

Forcing a smile after a morning of frustration

Cackling

Like witches without magic powers

Like disney hyenas

Happy to be employed

Sociable and kind

In a good mood

But nevertheless, bullshitting each other

There is no learning, there is no mutual understanding, there is nothing on the table

Poker without money

Dancing to no music

A language without adjectives

If our self-esteems were a stock market

We'd be experiencing hyperinflation

Looking Up

The doubts knock against my front door

I must tend to them

The habits sleep on the back porch

I must shoo them

Vigilance is my post

The Lord keeps my heart a-rythym

And I maintain my breathe

In spite of the mild upkeep, my state is deteriorating

It is nighttime, as always

And the moon is arbitrary

What matters is hope

And the reality of the near future

Another

Create a system and then put so much energy behind it that it's unstoppable

The United States of Americans

WOW!!!

Look at that

3 branches....WOW!

Judges, Legislators and Executive

Dude! 3 branches

dude! a black president, let's go out for breakfast and smoke weed

the big picture is grand and the details get forgotten

just remember that we are right and they are wrong

50 senators, right? No, it's 100. Barbara Boxer and Feinstein plus Reid and McCain and whatevs

Obama can veto. Executive order. He plays basketball and has a dog named Bo.

DEMOCRATS WIN!!!

let's go home

who cares/ motivation (part 2)

Song, good song

don't forget yet

fuck that guy, who am I?

...such vulgar thoughts

...distraught

When? when will it make sense?

I want to invent cold fusion

And be a superbillionaire

and sleep with supermodels

and sleep with exotic beauties

and sleep with powerful, dissatisfied women

to our mutual satisfaction

proud, powerful, and content and fuck you all

The lion within, the scaredy cat within, the retard within

I am just another struggling artist

another drowning victim

Another 4th place olympian

who cares/ motivation

No one will read this

So ill read it fast

Why am I even reading amateur poetry?

Because he is my so-called friend?

this is too self-reflexive

What, is he joking?

This is garbage

I don't think this is garbage

I don't understand this

What is he getting at?

This really is stupid

This is the same frustration I feel all day

What am I doing?

Not the generation

We don't want books
We don't like recipes
We don't have time for recipe books

Subway takes 3 minutes, plus 20 seconds if you want it toasted.
"Combo, chips and drink?"

She didn't even say a complete sentence. She didn't even put the indefinite article "a" before drink.

Im back in my car in 3 min 34 sec. I just broke my PR. I'm waiting for the first self-service Subway.

Blog

Robert Frost comes in, his words stir emotion
Will I be a better poet?
Never, but I don't have this aim

The world does not need another artist
Nor another writer, at least not of my calibur

The world needs not another unbiased storyteller
Another Shakespeare
Another shuffling of words

The world needs help
Help sorting through too much information
Help with finances, medical problems, psychogical black holes
Help with self-help

But I have my own problems
I sit here, may as well be Neptune, and I claim to know what people need
Who the hell am I too claim to understand the world?

You will see.

Fear

It owns you and you don't know
Unnoticed most often, but strong as ever
And it has you by the ankles
And it tells you when to talk

It reprimands you and rewards you
It motivates you and cripples you in the same moment

Your language and your thoughts are tempered in it
The worst part is you believe it

It has been with you for so long that you have welcomed it
"What can I do for you today?"
"What lifelong dreams shall we abandon today?"
"What unreaslistic scenarios shall we concern ourselves with?"

It is ready to be placed in a duffle bag with anxiety and negativity and drowned in the pacific

Fearless

The Bus Ride

There are horses not being ridden
There are waters unpolluted
There are children unspoiled yet well-educated
There are dreams that will be realized

A man asks a question I don't get
And a woman sits on my lap
She is gorgeous and the sex is great
The man says 'so long'

I am satisfied but unchanged
Maybe the woman will have my child
Or maybe I will die
And now the wind feels refreshing

People love drama
I love solitude
You can own the animals
But I'll just pet them

One thing is for sure
Humans reign
And when my Ipod dies
I am left to fight my thoughts

A digital recording of Akon is a powerful drug

open the fuckin year

The enthusiasm is a lie
Argue with yourself
Pessimism is fortunately a lie as well
Things are great and getting better

Who am I talking to now?
My chris matthews, everything-is-wrong-with-the-world audience has dispersed
And I am left with the horror of optomism
A world where everything is bound to go right, period.

A world where complaints are trite and encouragement is priceless

Get back in the huddle
Learn the playbook, feign confidence and don´t be wrong
Embarassment, lessons, eagerness, don´t think

Don´t judge

Everything is gonna work out....

.... Hola!, ¿Dónde está el cajero?