Resolve

I have long wanted control over my behavior
I have long known the name of my obstacles
But only now have I begun to peer inside
These obstacles, formerly called enemies, formerly called self-hatred, formerly called habit, are like tightly wound knots

The knots need untying
This untying is done with my attention, my awareness, my inward gaze

Staring at these knots reveals they are just strands of rope
Following these strands brings me to their ends
And from these ends I can get to work

Beginning to untangle now
Keeping my eye on the darting and morphing and knotting

I have spent many years creating this mess
Unconsciously tangling and tangling

It is time to disengage the gears
And open the hood

friday night's elusive escape

Doesn't matter if I sleep 5, 6,7 or even 8 hours on Thursday night
Friday night my mind shuts down
I have to say
"start thinking now"
and give myself minute to warm up
at a loss for words I'll suddenly recall I can just ask someone else a question
that's easy
"do you like living here in California? it's probably pretty different from China?"
I guess the only downfall of the questioning approach is that the other party might realize I am useless for conversation and simply scrounging in my head for some obvious question

other times I'll get on a roll
"oranges? Yeah! my grandparents have 40 acres of oranges, they have mandarins- maybe those are from China, they have satsumas, they have grapefruit, they have this amazingly big grapefruit tree that they made, the grafted it, it's like this big, big as a basketball."
silence.
maybe i should change the subject

i know- i'll ask a question
"where in guatemala are you from again?"

That Mountain, That Gravity

There's a mountain that I'm under.
It feels like lead and even leaves the mark.
A dark, gray mark.
I don't know it's a mountain.
From down here it is pitch black, buried in the earth.
But the heat is there.
And I've had notions.
At times I thought it was a volcano,
But it was easy to laugh it off and attend something else.
Ignoring the rumbling
That has been building.
But it's getting too loud to ignore anymore.
The sound is becoming more distinct.
And booming and encapsulating.
And it's getting hotter.
And I'm getting nervous,
Because the ground is starting to shake
And I have started to understand that I'd better attend
The volcano.

Thinker

Yes, I'm complaining

Up front and upset

It's never a straight answer from these people

It's always an air of superiority

Answer my question and spare me the wisdom

Even if you're right, you have no right, you are no help

But's that is me judging again

I have to let go of my ego

Let me let go

who am I asking?

LET ME LET GO

Let me learn to let myself stop judging

Is that an excuse?

Am I reading too much philosophy?

I am digging too deep into the gulf of knowledge

Let me borrow your computer so I can plug up the problem.

No internet?!!

How about movies or arguments or mirrors.

make me good n' dizzy

redefine the problem

Oh good! it's the same problem

I haven't been wasting my life

I haven't been wasting my limited time chasing the wrong things

Wasting my time alone

Wasting my time telling myself I'm suffering

Wasting my time fearing failure

Wasting my time changing channels

"I'm up for anything"

Am I?

More likely I am up for bungi-jumping

The rest seems like a peanuts cartoon

Hum drum and overdone

The second donut is never worth it

The impulsive resolutions never stick

And the best ideas are always forgotten

Don't take my advice

Don't take me seriously

This is just me expressing my inner neuron to neuron network

Millions of complicated chemical reactions all perfectly synchronized to make me feel worthless

Millions of years of evolution to make me want to undo myself

"Ribbit" goes the frog

"Ugh" says the girl who wants to be heard

"Fuck" says the guy who wants to sound tough

"Boom" goes the suicide bomber

"Moo" goes the cow

Months of chaotic thinking

But I think I'm on the right path

The Playoffs

Go team!

Score, jump, jockey, fight!

Noooooooo, don't do that team!!

Bad team! Unacceptable decision, team!

Yes, we're winning!

WE are winning. It is us. Me plus my team. My team plus my tortilla chips and beer.

My team plus chips, beer and couch...plus my friend's beer and his half-enthusiastic comments.

Me plus all the years I've wasted in front of this god-damn screen watching these mother-fucking LOSERS.

Pardon the French darling. I'm sorry.

You know how I get when my team is on.

You know my team needs me to watch them so that ?????????????????????? and we win the championship

You know it is my chaotic existence and my uncontrolled superstition that have led me to believe that I can control something I can't.

I dare not tell anyone about my superstition, but it is growing. My habits are settling in, and I am comforted in the surrender of control.

I don't mind wasting my life and emotions. I enjoy this.

The Fabric of Days

C as in Carrot

P as in Parrot

At what point does it all stop making sense?

I as in "Do I amuse you?"

As in Joe Peschi as in Goodfellas

Tech support as in: both parties are annoyed

South Park and Family guy as in : haha, eh, ha, eh, sigh

Me as in: I can sense the spectrum of human emotion even if I don't always live it

Who cares about me? Who cares that I am a world champion in No-Gi Jiu Jitsu

That my biceps smell like popcorn when I am urinating

That I enjoy scratching my head with a sharpened pencil

It's not that complicated

Eat, money, socialize, sleep, repeat

Reroute

I cant tell the future

But I can recognize patterns well

I recognize human voices

I recognize myself

Sometimes the community seems to suggest

That we are cows

Heading through a corral

Unconscious and unprepared

But we are intelligent

We are very self-aware

Even of our limitations

I don't see our genetic limits as a weakness

It seems to be our egoism by which we are easily unraveled

Intimidated and defeated

Persuaded and mislead

Enticed and sold

"I just bought the new...."

"I just saw the latest...."

"I just traded some of my self-worth over to the trendiest...."

We think and behave politically

But the politics are the scapegoat

The monster is inside

The path to liberation is inside

time

subterfuge

that's what it is

be wary

watch out

trust when you must

but know the 1st rule:

Everybody wants something

consciously or unconsciously

learn the opponents moves

and win the game

Need to Know

I need to know it's gonna work out
I need to know I will find my Gladiator heaven

At some point
Not now, haha
Not funny, I know

Eventually!
One day!

I am looking to the future, we all do it
Slap on another hope sticker

But as I age, I become tired of being unrealistic
I refuse to lie to myself
I have chosen to fight the optimism bias

Slow and steady.
Not in sports, but surely in life
We are Aesop's animals carrying on the torch
Bullets wizzing past our heads, our mission is to push the marker as far as we can
Before we die

Meanwhile, the Rocky soundtrack fades in and out, and the green pastures glow in the distance

I remain pessimistic, but realistic.

Pushing all the bullshit aside
There is a samurai within me
A warrior waiting for his sword.
Sensing the enemy, anticipating the sunrise.

Fighting for freedom

mAYBE

Maybe life is grand and wonderful

Maybe every experience is like piano notes and starlight and forests full of snow

Maybe this is where the time goes

Truth is shallower than touch

Open your eyes to the sheer volume of tingling particles of energy and color in the world

Breath in the dripping wonder of life and beauty

And maybe the end is really better, and better, and better than we ever dared to dream

Maybe the end glorifies the means.

can't sleep so i'm listening to 'Insomniac'

listening to Jared's group sing Insomniac
i don't think listening to a song called insomniac when you can't sleep helps
I don't know if it hurts either.
it just calls it like it is.

my mind is racing. my mind is racing. my mind is racing.
wait a few days, the premeditated time.

anxiety-> yes, no?
gratefulness, definitely.
anxiety-> ahhhhh all this is new.
grateful that I can fall

crazy when something out of reach moves within reach.
surprise*
that's why i can't sleep.
thank you

Tears for Fears

Winning or giving up
Expecting success but seeing failure
Repeating the same behaviors that you have vowed to stop

This is the quiet path of the loser

So easy to admit fault
But so hard to accept responsibility

Easy to apologize
But hard to change

Tiredness replaces planning
Argument replaces debate

You are in loserland.
Can you hear the distant conversation?
Repeat after me: Whatever, So what, Who cares

Can you sense the frustration and bitterness?

It was there all along.

Welcome to your life.
There's no turning back
Even while you sleep

summer

you guys are cool
we sit in one area of grass and talk microfinance
move to another area of grass and talk TFA
we move to the hotsprings and talk about how wierd that dude with the CIA-conspiracy theory was
we throw frisbees at jared's legs, laugh that we are 24 almost 25 and still having a good time together
i am thankful that we still hang out, that we still talk for hours about the existence of God
that we think about where we will be in 5 years time.
maybe we'll be married
maybe we'll be at Kern again celebrating another birthday.
in 5 years, it will be my 30th. hmmmmm
that's old.
but not too old and we'll still conversate for hours
and Mike will say the most ridiculous stuff
and my tent will fly away
and Justin will make some killer steaks and drink a lot of beer
Jared will jump into a tree with his torso
and we'll talk about where we'll be in 5 years time.