Small steps

I have a headache

I feel it in the top of my brain and it emanates and recedes with each pulse of blood

The headache speaks to me loudly.

It tells me I suck, I cant win, I am diseased and unwanted

These pulses of pain and relief come and go all the time

And these thoughts are beginning to wear on my mind

Some people laugh harder at parties

Maybe I am not a happy person and I need to learn how to let go

I think I need to stop trying to put the world on my shoulders and accept that I can only deal with what´s in front of me.

I can win small battles

I can chew small chunks

Tomorrow this headache will have never happened and I will be back where I started

But maybe tomorrow I´ll stop shooting for the moon and start climbing that mountain.

You've never been to hell

So you don't know the depths of evil

Your demons come at you straight on

They grin at you and you shoo them away.

Your world is full of the craziness that you desire, not the madness you can't handle

You have never been to war

Youve not seen the devil's workshop

Your pain and your misery need not grow

And your happiness is relevant

But you cannot complain

You cannot smile at a blinded soldier

Your smug gesture of empathy will not brighten their day

You've dedicated your life to the pursuit of money

To really care about the suffering of others is to stop what you are doing

To really understand how shitty life is for certain people

Is to dedicate time to that world

But you have strategically separated yourself from that world and you have effortlessly pushed that suffering out of your mind.

"First help yourself" they always say.

And you interpret it to mean: "first help yourself to the luxurious lifestyle you crave"

First help yourself to all the food and then share the crumbs from the backseat of your Mercedes Benz.

20 years will go by and the world will be the same unjust, money-obsessed place it's always been.

There is no evil greater than greed

the urgency

the urgency is not in words
but words can facilitate the process and words can inspire the first steps of action

I have embarassed myself before, and daniel day-lewis has perhaps embarassed himself too
Embarassment is okay: knowing this I can disengage the breaks that are unconciously pressed at every turn.

Life is short, there is no eternity in my religion.

Mistakes are part of the terrain, but failure...Failure is really not an option. I will not always have my way, but allowing myself to give up, accepting that I am not capable, uttering the words "it's hard" or "really hard", even questioning why life must be as it is... None are options.

The facts are that life IS not easy, the facts are that I am my own worst enemy at the moment, the facts are that I give up too easy, I complain too loudly, I worry too easily and I doubt too often.

I will not continue to live as I have and I will not become complacent. Complacency is the devil and weakness is not in my vocabulary. I am daniel day-lewis.

I need to step up my game now and it starts where it began: California