Me and mine

I am a person who deludes himself into thinking he already has the solutions to his problems . I overestimate and underestimate my abilities all the time. Over and under. I believe I think I know EVERYTHING. And yet I know that I know very little. I think I know discipline...I don't know my father's discipline. I think I know hard work... I don't know my brother's hard work. I think I know pain...I don't know the pain of my mother...who struggled with weight, who struggled with love, who struggled with cancer two times, and who fought and smiled to the bitter end. I think I know joy... I am lost in my head and in my illusory future. And when I stumble across the tiniest hint of progress I decide that my efforts have been sufficient....that my luck was deserved....that Allah is smiling upon me. Oh joyous earth. oh plentiful life. A day's work is a beautiful thing...joy to the world. And then, faster than you can say "fuck my life", it seems that hapiness is gone again. And progress is a mystery. And discipline is something I was born without. And joy is not for me. But I can take comfort in the fact that within this life are the solutions. The solutions to my malfunctioning psychology, the solution to my complacency, the solution to my total lack of integrity with myself and others, and the solution to the unnecessary suffering that plagues this planet. I am intelligent enough to find and implement these solutions and reach my heaven. Hope is a beautiful thing