its like this

A stomach ache, an altitude sickness
The energy evaporates, the dreams fade

The zest for living is plucked, and the great fire cinders to smoke

Im not coughing. Not laughing. Not anxious. Not afraid.

I am under the submission of my human apparatus, and it owns me.

A banana for breakfast, potato chips for lunch, potato chips for dinner, 11 hours of sleep.

My health is all I have.

Rock Bottom

I hit rock bottom last week
While everyone thought I was at my peak.
I sat in the lobby of a Santa Monica apartment building
With my parents who were picking up on my feeling.
And as I stared straight ahead,
With my frustration come to a head,
"What's on your mind? Is something bothering you, Jared?"
I continued to gaze into the distance. A wall. An emptiness. A desert lacking meaning, arid.
And we sat in the silence, and the despair built up.
I felt alone, purposeless, a fraud, wayward, amok, overwhelmed, helpless. I wanted to give up.
"What is it that's bothering you?"
And I cried, and I cried.
I couldn't look at them, my parents, the ones if no one else I should trust.
I realized someone cared, I wasn't alone.
And after years of sacrificing myself, my integrity, for the throne,
I felt the depression of eternity. Despair. No hope.
My parents love me. My mom cried, "What can be done?"
And I resolved to commit to life, to live, their son.
Their pride and joy, the one they brag about.
The one that makes them feel like a success in life, collapsed before them in rout.
This was the end, I felt. I truly felt it was the end.
But with two who love me to back me up, it was hours but finally I felt I could mend.
They kissed me, they hugged me, they loved me.
Tomorrow's a new day, a new life, and I have a new lease to be free.
I will treat myself right, I will set myself up for meaning.
And all of the balance I've sought, and fulfillment, I'll no longer be dreaming.
To hope. To love. To life. L'chaim.

(written 2011.06.30)

egoism

its just me...and my ego

if i think i am going far, right or wrong, then i am happier

if i think i am bound by my appearence, hindered by my brain...then i am sadder

we can lose our ego...and enjoy pure, unadulterated experiences

we can feed our ego...and confront immense suffering

we can play the ego game, as most of us do...and enjoy moments of exctasy, valleys of death, hours of anger, streaks of glory, and inevtiable dissatisfaction

How to play the ego game...i am not easily persuaded

I want to win the ego game, and I think I will

nature

Amongst the glaciers, quiet and shivering

Endless views, mountainous and rivery

Valleys and forests, bears and deer

Foreboding winds drawing clouds near

Insects and smells of dark, damp places

Vanishing lights, and grimacing faces

Until, just by luck, the sun breaks through the cracks

To a worshiping audience, bearing water and snacks

We've come from quite far, leaving society behind

To the top of the world, continental divide

These national parks, and their natural features

Reawaken a thirst to climb down from the bleachers

mine

I am focused on my health

Can you blame me?

The reality of ME is that I know that I have to spend my entire life with myself and I most want to (a) not go insane, (b) not die of MY colon cancer and (c) not listen to boring lectures from boring teachers who've taken the life out of physics

This is Michael Herold's universe, and it is just as unplanned as Greece's economy, Justin's evening, and Jared's future.

The day that Michael is happy should be today, tomorrow and every day after if I don't go insane, but instead realize how perfectly lucky I am to be alive, human, pain-free, and so forth

And so forth, Michael Herold

This homo sapien experience has literally just begun in the existential sense of it

And existentially I am sitting in my head, just behind my eyes, my limbs are directly under my control but my heartbeat isn't

My future is of no interest to anyone but me and I couldn't be more confused and excited about the journey that it holds.

the wonder years

Summertime with mat herold in the valley

the heat is coming, the smells are returning

I grew up here, I found the world here, I was happy here

Happy in the truest sense

My childhood was unimaginably good

I was perhaps the luckiest kid

And perhaps thats why I am disappointed now

Most kids need parenting

but I was the perfect kid

I was athletic, cute, smart, funny and curious

I was humble and innocent and carefree....I was 9 years old

summer in this valley for a kid like me is like Hawaii for Hawaiians

Everything just made sense

Food, sports, toys, cartoons, and sunburns

The clinton years, the AYSO years, the waterpark years, the wonder years

God bless the kids

Small steps

I have a headache

I feel it in the top of my brain and it emanates and recedes with each pulse of blood

The headache speaks to me loudly.

It tells me I suck, I cant win, I am diseased and unwanted

These pulses of pain and relief come and go all the time

And these thoughts are beginning to wear on my mind

Some people laugh harder at parties

Maybe I am not a happy person and I need to learn how to let go

I think I need to stop trying to put the world on my shoulders and accept that I can only deal with what´s in front of me.

I can win small battles

I can chew small chunks

Tomorrow this headache will have never happened and I will be back where I started

But maybe tomorrow I´ll stop shooting for the moon and start climbing that mountain.