putting everything aside (2)

Being open-minded
This world is amazing
And inexplicable

And to imagine that there is no intentionality behind it is ludicrous

But to imagine that there is perfect intentionality...

putting everything aside

If there is a god
And if we must believe in him

putting me aside and my life

He is doing a terrible job

He is intentionally fucking up because he is god and down the spiraling circle of nonsense we go

Survival

Survival
The most natural human instinct
If you say "I don't want to survive"
They lock you up
You are a danger to yourself
I know this first hand

But why?
Why why why survive?
According to dogbert, we are organic pain collectors hurtling twards oblivion
Excercize and eat right?
You're only prolonging the inevitable
Death is nothing more than extinguishing a resource burning flame

But perhaps there is a reason why
If there is no God maybe you are a part of the whole
Purpose is in helping others
Succeeding as a team
Performing your role
Lenin would agree
It's selfish to quit.
Pretend life is a highschool volleyball game

If there is a God, maybe you're a part of His plan
Maybe he has big dreams for you
Maybe you're never alone

Either way I think survival makes sense
Death is the ultimate irreversible test
I told Bob this once, it was for the best
Though I still believe the end of life is rest

Justin Lehtonen
Worldwide Facilities Inc

this is my evening

i was not born for any purpose
I was not born to suffer or succeed
But out of another human
a woman named mom
Marcia from Ohio
Jewish blood, Eastern European ancestors
A white jewish boy with the name Michael Paul
With no purpose, was born

Getting to bed on time
Eating, bathing, pooping in the toilet
This was my purpose

But it's been a while since those days
I want total liberation, i've trapped myself, contained my heart
I want companionship, I feel isolated, i've buried myself alive

But most of all I want happiness to replace these feelings
I want to go back to childhood and retry
It really is about survival, it's more than a game

Content

Try as I might, might I try
Try at all not even
Making the attempt
Planning to give in Calc
Ulating
Unafraid of consequences un
Abashedly selfish
Exhibiting symptoms of personal
Obsession try
The trying's not enough partic
Ularly when I don't try
Death
In cloak wrapped
Coddling
Would you try if you knew what
Lurked
Within it
Truth come out
You wouldn't

Justin Lehtonen

Poetry as a tool

I'll share this to sort out the thoughts
I won't vent or journal, I'll share

the hour has arrived to stop

Stop is a negative word
Let's be positive

the hour has arrived to overcome

This is not what you think
Not what you think I mean
Actually, it is exactly exactly

You know what's on my plate
You know the lack of faith and empty optimism I carry
You know the skin picking problem, aka perfect excuse to be boring

You know what road I am on and you assume, as I assume
That nothing will change

It won't happen overnight
It won't happen tonight
It will happen from this moment becoming the next moment
This brain becoming tomorrow's brain

Until I've finally put it behind me
Far far behind
I don't want to see it, hear it
In fact, let's pretend it is gone

Moving forward
Looking forward
Distrusting the past

night audit

whoa fuck, this is great
night audit is the shit
I work for 2 hours in an 8-hour shift
and spend the rest of the time
reading and watching movies
and I get free starbucks
damn... why have I ever had any other job?

In a different place

In a different place we all are
And I bet your mind is on some trivial shit
And I bet I would like to be black for a day
And talk like a black man

Would I be sophistccated or hood?
Would I like black girls with big booties
I am black
And I am cherokee, sitting bull they call me

You can't imagine how chaotic my mind
hhhhhhhhahhhhhhh, have I impressed you with my k-o-tic
I've seen the future and it's grim, but the near future is a mystery

Let's sneak into the not too distant, make fake plans and do nothing
Who's 'we', who's 'you' in this song, "who's who's writing this shit i've heard a zillion and one

Took me a while to wake up and now I'm up, don't wanna be tired

I will

Imma do this and that and yattee dah
Powerful shit to hear a person's dreams
But it is just a hope
Like buying things you can't afford

It is glorious to think that one day you will have what you want
And I know personally that unless a major illness or unforseen catastrophe strikes
I will have what I want

Does it make me evil to be so preoccupied with my own success?
Am I digging a hole that I'll never climb out of?

But then I realized that the whole world comes through my eyes
If I am not happy then I don't care about the world
And If I am happy then everything is looking up with the world

I have to be happy first and first and that's everything
And in order to be happy I need to prove to myself that I am a valuable human
And to prove this to myself I need material accomplishments which will establish my place in 21st century western society
And when I prove this to myself I will live out the remainder of my life with a big fucking evil grin on my face
And when people see this stupid grin they will be jealous
But I will be happy

Waiting

You're tired of reading
Tired of writing
Tired of thinking

You are tired of it not working out
Tired of volleying the same thoughts
Tired of trying and only getting so far

Tired of desiring more than you have and not knowing if you will get it
Tired of being dissapointed
Tired of lowering your expectations
Tired of settling for 2nd
Rationalizing after the fact
Seeing others get what you want
Waking up unenthusiastically
Counting the hours
Repitition, nothing, ffffffffff

One day I will overcome, but not today

did you ever

It is amazing to me how much one's attitude influences their life
Even though the attitude is mostly a reflection of one's experiences

We have control over our attitude
And we have control over our lives

We have a strong degree of control
But we feel stuck

We have control of the vehicle
But we remain stuck in the mud

We blame oursevles, I blame myself
And I remain stuck

From time to time I slam the accelerator
and the situation worsens

So I stop trying for about 20 seconds
And I slam the gas again

the definition of insanity is not that stupid bullshit about expecting different results
insanity is losing your fucking mind

And I've almost been there and I'm not proud of it but not ashamed
It has formed me and shown me how dark the cavern can get

But I am climbing out
and I wish this for everyone staring down the darkness of insanity

Let's change ourselves and start again
No matter where we are

I also yell out loud in public now

And not just when it's expected
Like at a football game
This poem was lame from the start
Can it be saved?
No
So I'll just enter random thoughts
My wife is nice
You guys should be so lucky
We ran around the neighborhood with the dog
I was barefoot
She was giggling

We sat on the porch talking
And relaxing
Guy in a white van drive up, honking
Blasting megaphone
Something to the effect of
"Come get your hot tamales"
I screamed at the top of my lungs
"Megweigh, mammanama mamheih"
Which was what his spanish sounded like

When I went back to Columbus
The feel, the encouragement
People saying "justin go back to how you used to be. Do whatever you want. Ignore the rules"
I said, "this is real life now"
And I have people to please
And duties to discharge
And objectives to meet

But I still yell out loud in public (sometimes)
If anything, just to expel the lethargy from my lungs
Just to imagine the freedom of youth

The matrix has you, Neo

Justin Lehtonen
Worldwide Facilities Inc

One of those moments

THIS is one of the those rare moments when I've been given one of those rare opportunities to take my life in a different direction
And it is a positive direction
POTENTIALLY...don't jinx it assfuck

For fear of failing I try not to make it a big deal
But 50% of me knows it is a big deal
IT'S A HUGE DEAL, not really

And calm down, and pump up, and relax, and yell aloud in public
I yell out loud in public now, I am psychotic, I'm not normal
But no one is you fuckin fakers

Back to ME
Back to my living dream
Literally counting down the hours
These thoughts are affecting my heart rate

I am thankful for this moment and this life
I am human

Again

Get up
Now let's do it again
Go to work
Again again
Do it again
Repeat repeat repeat repeat
Sit at you desk again
Again answer email
Wake up _ go to work
Come home _ eat
Again _ go to sleep
Repeat that again?

Mechanical life of precise
Repetition endless yet painfully short
What is worth
It
Again?

Wake up you need to go to work
There are urgent emails waiting for you
Don't make me tell you again

The life cycle of a modern man
Stifled by routine
Aware of it again

There is something useful fruitful
Burried amid this behavior belief
That what's done for Christ will last
That God honors hard work and perseverance
That's what comes to mind again

So wake up
Let's do it again
Go to work (for God)
Again again
Do it all for Him again
Lay your routine at His feet again
Grasp the meaning inherant in a life poured out
Again

Justin Lehtonen
Worldwide Facilities Inc

fire

when i was old
i used to wake
and stress
and measure my work
held to the fire

as I grow younger
I wake
and take in the sun
and feel the fire
warming me
peacefully

ABCD

No one is afraid of success
they are afraid of failure

Failure stings and nags and tinkers with the mind
Success deludes and enlarges and tingles the mind

There is so much to do and no guarantee of success
The hours and energies that life demands are overwhelming

And all we know how to do is escape

Change

Wake up and your brain is on auto
You have to change that shit
But it's hard and slow
Change that shit

It won't change
But you have to or you'll get the same results
Things will stay the same
Life will cruise by

Catch yourself, change
Again, make the change
And again....do it
you must

And again
Again